


Joel K Riddle

by Sir Elliot (SirElliot)



Series: Harry Potter's Magical Adventures [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-19
Updated: 2012-08-19
Packaged: 2017-11-12 11:55:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/490637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SirElliot/pseuds/Sir%20Elliot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Voldemort's brother comes to town, and he's not exactly what Harry expected... Rated for drug use and swearing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Joel K Riddle

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, I have no idea what happened here. I wrote this a few years ago, but despite everything I kind of like it.

Voldemort sat on his evil throne while his loyal Death Eaters bowed around him in utter silence.

And then there was a knock on the door.

The sound of disco music.

And... The smell of pot?

And the doors flew open.

There, in the doorway, stood Joel K. Riddle, Voldemort's only surviving relative.

Tom Riddle's brother.

"Dude! How's it been? I'm like so high right now. Can I crash here tonight, bro? By the way, grandmummy says you haven't sent her a letter in a while. Not even to thank her for the sweater she sent you Christmas! She says she's going to drag you by the ear. Oh, and I think I peed on your lawn..."

Voldemort stared at Joel for a moment, and then hit his head against the wall.

"Joel, can I talk to you over here for a moment?" The reputation of Voldemort was definitely at stake here.

"Wicked throne, dude. Oh man, look how cool my hands are..." Joel stared at his hands until he was dragged up the steps to the throne by Voldemort.

"Um... Death Eaters, this is my brother, Joel... Um Joel, these are my Death Eaters... I'm kind of a Dark Lord now... But I'm still evil!" To prove his point, he cast the killing curse on a random Death Eater.

"Cool, dude. Wanna smoke some pot with me?"

"Joel, shut up."

"Aw man. You never wanna get high w'me any more... Wa' gives?" Joel staggered around for a few seconds and then fell flat on his face, and Voldemort buried his face in his hands.

* * *

"Potter! Come out here and fight like a man! Or are you too coward?" Voldemort said with a sneer, trying to ignore Joel who was smoking a skull pipe and quietly singing 'Pinball Wizard'.

"Um... Why is there a guy behind you getting high?" Harry said, taking off his invisibility cloak.

Voldemort thunked his head. "That's Joel, my brother. Joel, Harry James Potter, the boy-who-didn't-die-and-has-been-buggering-the-heck-out-of-me-ever-since. Harry, Joel K. Riddle, my brother."

"Wow, grass is so freaky... Hey look! Big purple bunnies! Woot!" Joel took all his clothes off and started running in circles, trailing nice smelling smoke after him.

"You've got a brother?" Harry said in shock, ignoring Joel.

"Unfortunately. You can see why I want him hidden." Voldemort said, pointing at Joel who was now singing at the top of his lungs and was doing a chicken dance to go along with it.

Harry nodded. "Yup, family is annoying. Um... Can you stop him doing that? The can-can is really not a dance you want to ever see performed by a naked guy."

Voldemort looked over and then quickly looked away. "Great. That's it, I have to kill him."

"I am the Dark Lord!" Joel shouted. "None may kill me other than the prophesied child Harry Potter! Oh, hey, Harry dude."

Voldemort and Harry looked at each other.

"Crap." They both said at the same time.

"You know... The prophecy said we would be equal... Frankly, this is a huge insult to me." Harry said, glaring at Joel, who was back to doing the chicken dance.

Voldemort glared at Joel. "Great. Wait a second... How did your parents thrice defy him? And he hasn't marked you as his equal."

Joel, in a fit of drug-induced daze, threw his pipe at Harry. The pipe made a very distinctive 'J' scar on Harry's cheek.

"Ow." Harry said dumbly. "Oh... Crap."

"I agree. What about the parents?"

"That was for your parents denying me pot three times! Three!"

"Oh great, now I have to kill Voldemort's stupid brother." Harry said, glaring at Voldemort as if it was all his fault. "This is all your fault."

"Hey! No it isn't."

"Yes it is."

"Isn't."

"Is."

"Isn't!"

"Is!"

"Hey look, a flying bird!" Joel said, and Harry grinned.

"I just realized something! If I can only die by Joel's hands... Then I can kill you easily! And I'll put Joel out of the way and be immortal!"

"I hate you Po-" Voldemort was cut off by the sudden death.

"Hey Joel, because we're such friends, I'll let you let you go to a special place, where there will be kind people to help yo- Hey, can I try some of that pot?"

And so, Harry and Joel spent the rest of their days getting high and being immortal, until the day they fell off a cliff together. Oh, and they went to a lot of discos, drank a lot of booze and hooked up with a lot of chics.

Life was good.

You know, until the day they died. After that, it was more the after-life that was good. James Potter was so proud of his son that he gave Harry and Joel free pot for eternity. Of course, Lily was upset about that, but Harry and James gave her some 'special brownies' and she finally agreed to let them have their pot parties. Of course, the after-life police later busted them for drugs, but recognized Harry as a celebrity and joined their parties.

And then, of course, things only got crazier. Harry somehow managed to get fifty billion packets of instant magic jello and jello-ed all the water. No one died, but some of the jello was made with vodka, so everyone got very drunk. Everyone, of course, is changed to the age of twenty-nine in the after-life so it got pretty wild. Harry and Joel somehow managed to totally collapse the economy that had been built up in the after-life (in one day), and people were trading jello-shots and vodka and everyone was drunk all the time but never got any hangovers. (This was the  _good_  after-life, after all.)

And Harry and Joel spread their bad pot-smoking habits and soon the after-life was full of... Well... It was a  _lot_  less normal. Since it was the after-life, no one died and no one got hurt, but soon a couple of officials from the ALAP (After-Life Association of the People) came around and threatened to rough Harry and Joel up, but ended up getting stoned themselves.

Harry and Joel were just that sort of people.


End file.
